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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  October 29, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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we had a lot of fun today talking about how the leg swing should go. [laughter] we're bored. please tell me that it's not the only change that they're making to the site. >> the obama administration's promising it will be largely problem-free by the end of november. >> we've got people working overtime 24/7. to boost capacity and address these problems every single day. and let me be perfectly clear. these people will not be given breaks. [laughter] many of these people are children. >> jon: you know, i do think -- i do think -- like that?
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i do think i may have spotted one of the problems affecting why the site is so slow. apparently the servers are being overloaded by news casters from every single network trying to log on. no network has been loggier than our pals at cnn that want you to know they have a clock. >> we're almost 13 minutes in and she's been locked out time and time again. >> one making progress. the others going slow and now slower. one person is reaching out to get help online. we'll find out halfway into the live obama care signup effort. so far we're seeing progress, serious set backs. >> you may like the options. you don't know if you're in yet. you love the options. happy with it? >> absolutely. >> it's not very streamlined. it's kind of a lot -- it's a lot to sort through. >> jon: plus, there's cameras and a clock and you [bleep] are
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breathing down my neck. [laughter] i love how the one lady goes, i love the options. you love them? let's talk to gabe. i don't want to hear about what is really in the thing. let's talk to gabe. >> the only thing more disturbing than signing up for is apparently watching people sign up for >> we're watching these people trying to sign up for obama care here in the situation room. >> jon: wow! that woman's reaction, you think people were [bleep] in a cup or something. that was weird how she reacted to people trying to sign up for a website. anyway, the obama administration has promised the site will be fixed be -- by the end of november. just in case it's not, no worries. >> there will be a hearing this morning about the government's new healthcare website. >> jon: congress? [laughter]
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congress is on the case. who better to fix this than congress? [laughter] in fact, not just congress, the committee who's second-ranging democrat entered congress four years before the 1959 invention of micro chips. >> i resign my colleagues the last perfect lay came outside, it was moses written on a stone tablet by the hand of god. and i was there. [laughter] >> jon: nice guy, moses. never made good on the milk and honey thing. good people. that's not fair. this committee i'm sure includes people with the proper expertise. >> a science major from rice university and a former naval aviator. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. >> could not afford to have my
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computer drop off line as i'm getting ready to drop a torpedo to stop a russian submarine to drop a nuke missile at our country. [laughter] >> jon: i think that guy just used the plot for the hunt for red october to flag anyway, let's move on to someone else. representative joe barton from texas. he wants to apologize to bp for getting oil on our beaches, i guess. barton had concerns beyond the healthcare's efficacy. >> how in the world can this be hippa compliant when hippa is designed to protect the patient's privacy and this explicitly says in order to continue, you have to accept this condition that you don't have privacy.
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>> jon: that is my point. my guess is that it's hippa compliant because the website doesn't ask you for actual health information. so you know what? i wonder if there's another congress person. perhaps a democrat, that is so sick of this [bleep] and this guy that he answers the question, but cannot hide his utter contempt for joe barton's willful ignorance. >> hippa only applies when there's health information being provided that's not in play here today. no health information is required in the application process and why is that? because pre-existing conditions don't matter. so once again, here we have my republican colleagues trying to scare everybody -- >> will you -- >> no, i will not kneel to this monkey portal. >> this is not a monkey portal. >> jon: is there anything other than the rhythmic tri-belt?
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the rhythmic tri-belt just had enough of these [bleep]'s head rolling. whatever. if you can't handle the refreshments, darlene, you can't be on the refreshments committee. [laughter] it's -- i don't know if you heard it because you were laughing too hard. the off camera congressman's denial back at this guy that this is not a monkey court. it's just not! [laughter] monkey court, of course, was my 1990s mtv courtroom reality show. [laughter] by the way, i still don't know why i was the one that had to wear the diapers. anyway, monkey court not withstanding, there was one issue that congressman mckinley wanted to get to the bottom of. >> i haven't heard one of you apologize to the american public. are apologies not in order? i've not heard the word "i'm sorry." i don't understand why there's not an apology to the american public. [laughter]
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[cheers & applause] >> jon: how did you -- [applause] how did you do that? what sorts of wizardry is this? [laughter] they're multiplying! there's difficulty website rhymes. >> let the goal be to fix it, not nix it. >> we want to fix it, not nix it. >> fix it, don't nix it. >> jon: fix it. don't not nix it. correct it, do not reject it. debug it, please do not unplug it. improve it, don't remove it. [laughter]
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repair it, not four square it. ♪ we've got to squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her ♪ ♪ try a little tenderness ♪ oh, yeah ♪ all you've got to do ♪ no, no, no ♪ we've got to try ♪ ahhhh ♪ a little tenderness [cheers & applause] >> jon: that was weird. [laughter] of course, republicans bit off one solution. >> republicans believe they may have found the answer to all of our technical problems. mr. john mcafee. you may know mr. mcafee as the founder of the company that
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bears his name and sells anti-viral software. >> john mcafee was wanted in connection to the murder of an american, greg faulk, in balize. >> jon: okay. we can try that or -- ♪ ♪ try a little tenderness, baby ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ we've got to please her, tease her ♪ ♪ ahh ♪ we'll be right back
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[cheers & applause] >> jon: took about three weeks since all of us found out that
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healthcare wasn't doing well. >> kathleen sebelius said that the president didn't know about the website problems until after the launch. >> when did you know there was a problem? >> it became clear fairly early on. the first couple days that -- >> but not before that though? not before october 1? >> jon: you didn't know there would be problems until the day -- this is your signature program. your name is on it. you look like the charmin bear just found out what people do with his toilet paper. you put this where? i've been rubbing this on my face for years! may be a bit concerning that the president wasn't kept in the loop about the program named after him. but appeared to be very few loops. >> for the first time, the government revealed that it man -- monitored some 35 world leaders, including angela
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merkel. and the president was kept in the dark about it for five years. >> jon: what? so for five years. i assume the president is being presented with the findings from this world leader monitoring. never occurred to him in five years, how are we getting this? does the president believe in surveillance fairies? this is crazy. more importantly, if the president wasn't aware that we were spying on our allies, who gave the go ahead to spy on our alleys? >> an nsa spokes woman said that take orders from the national intelligent priorities frame work and not the president. >> jon: what the [bleep] is this? [laughter] did we find out about it because of some kind of nipf slip? for more on the president, we go to jessica william. jessica! [cheers & applause] how can the president be unaware
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of what's going on around him? >> because nobody tells him, jon. you have to understand the president is a very sensitive man. he doesn't handle bad news well. he's a cryer. [laughter] >> jon: like a john boehner cryer? >> please, jon, the president is so emotional. the guy cries when people that litter told him to suck it up. >> jon: what else has the president not been told? >> well, basically all the bad stuff. he thinks gun control passed and that we shut down guantanamo three years ago. he thinks republicans will actually work with him. i know. i'm telling you, the president is in a bubble. >> jon: he's a bubble boy. >> yes. exactly. >> jon: why is it so important that president obama be kept in the dark about it? >> because they don't want to bum him out, jon. he's supposed to be america's inspiration. the face of hope and change. how is he supposed to give the moving speeches if he knows all the terrible stuff that is really going on? i don't know how you can sit here and tell jokes every night.
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>> jon: i pretend i'm a character in a movie about the country falling about. >> thanks, jon. a good tip. >> jon: if the president doesn't know what is actually happening, how does he run the country? >> oh, jon, no president has run the country since kennedy. you heard what they said. our spying operation is totally under the control of the national intelligence priorities frame work. >> jon: i can't believe that. you couldn't come up with a more sinister sounding organization. >> exactly. >> jon: to secretly run the country. how many of them operating through the bowels of our government without our knowledge? >> jon: you said bowels. >> yes. >> and don't worry, there's two. nipf and they're overseen by the regional world order director. >> jon: wait. they're overseen by the regional new world order director? >> you can't say that.
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>> jon: why not? >> because you can't throw around the n word. are you crazy? >> jon: you just said the n word. >> hey, jon, i can say that. i have the security clearance. >> jon: thank you,essicjessic ?÷?÷
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[cheers & applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is a star of "park and recreation." his book is called "paddle your own canoe." welcome to the program, nick offerman. [cheers & applause] well done, sir. >> thank you. >> jon: thanks for being here. >> thank you for the scotch. [laughter] >> jon: we always like to be
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helpful. this is the book here. "paddle your own canoe." once again, i'm offended by someone pedalling hollywood values such as hard work and loving your wife. >> well -- >> jon: well, people read this book and live by the code of offerman. happy, happy life. >> it's smut filled with flannel shirts. >> jon: you're a renaissance man. >> i'm a midwesterner we call it. [laughter] sadly these days if you know the difference between a phillips screwdriver and a standard head, you're a renaissance man. >> jon: that's what i'm saying. this canoe, is this the actual canoe that you built? >> that's my first canoe. i built that in a shop in redhook brooklyn, actually. we were living in town. my wife was doing a broadway show and i was board. [laughter] so i built my first canoe.
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>> jon: now we all have them since hurricane sandy. >> that's right. [laughter] >> jon: we all have to learn how to build canoes. when did you first start -- because woodworking -- would you say you know how to do many things? woodworking is maybe the passion. >> sure, yeah, if i had to pick one thing besides working as a clown, it would be making things out of wood. >> jon: yes. what is it -- because i also -- i happen to dabble. when did you get involved in woodworking? how did it become a passion? you make your own furniture. >> well, i grew up using tools. my family are these great farmers and my dad is an amateur furniture maker through my youth. and then i started building scenery professionally for many years because i couldn't get good parts in the play. >> jon: you can now. >> can i build the castle? >> jon: and then in los angeles, turns out there wasn't a great
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theater community in chicago so i started building whatever i could. i had sort of an epiphany that i loved making old school heirloom furniture pieces. >> jon: beautiful stuff. do you have your thing? >> my device? >> jon: you got to see this thing. it is -- for someone that is woodworking -- i made my son's changing table when he was burn and i looked at this thing and i felt incredibly bad about myself. you got to see this. can we get this? which is the good camera? one? look at this bad boy. he made this. tell us what this is. >> that's a redwood bench. i run a shop -- i was -- >> jon: so beautiful. >> i designed it and worked on it. for me to say i made these is about ridiculous. there was about 16 of us. a great outpouring of love. it was a donation to my alma mater, the university of illinois. it was embarrassing when you said i made this.
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>> jon: but you made the tree. he made the tree. >> i did. i grew the trick. >> jon: nick offerman made the tree that that table came from. >> really you just plant a small cone. yeah. conifers are easy. >> jon: and you wait 300 years until it gets old and sickly. and the one thing i truly identify with, you tell a story of when you realized the difficulty of life in acting when you went on a budweiser audition. >> it was a horrible day. >> jon: a horrible day. but not horrible because of the caliber of individuals who were there with you. >> yeah, it was -- something that everyone does. you know, you're trying to get a break. one thing you can do is go audition for any commercial. you realize that, you know, i come from a -- i'm a classically trained theater actor and you're sitting in a room with a bun of
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of yahoos. anybody can get this job. that's when i noticed the guy who played ogre on revenge of the nerds. >> nerds! >> yeah. a hero of mine. >> jon: a hero. >> god, even that guy has done a lot of great movies. across the room, i saw carmine, from laverne and shirley. >> jon: the big ragoo. >> i felt like a green horn. i thought even carmine needs to make his rent. >> jon: yes. just having been on some of those auditions. i can remember in the early days of peewee herman. he was the big thing. everybody would show up and had on the red bow tie. you thought, i'm such a [bleep]. it goes crazy. but you stayed with us and now look at you. well, it's fine life lessons from the renaissance mass. "paddle your own canoe." nick offerman, everybod
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>> jon: that's our show, ladies and gentlemen. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. you may not have noticed this -- you probably did. new york is a little less wonderful tonight. here it is. >> on a one-on-one basis, i thought my music was made in some ways for head phones. you're on head phones, you're mine. >> it's 11:59. in 59 seconds this happened on twitter today. just when you heard every possible joke about miley cyrus performance had already been made hugh hefner and his wife molested our eyes with this halloween costume. in hef's defense he thinks blurred lines is about glaucoma so i don't think he knows what he is talking about. we were calling them around
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the office we were calling them miley virus and robin not so thicke any more. comedians please caption the photo. eugene mirman. >> she should not have picked a costume that involves constantly crouching. >> kristen schaal. >> who would have thought i would outlive magazines says hugh hefner. >> doug benson. >> hef is just excited about his new job at footlocker. that's an excellent place to start@midnight. welcome to@midnight the dirty social media spoon that stirs your coffee. our come yesterday be-- comedians are battling for funnier -- funniest person in the world for the t


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